As the managing partner of Beel & Zebub LLP, I’d like to welcome you as the newest addition to the family. And let me be clear, when I say family, I mean it. We are your family now. I highly recommend you cease communication with your loved ones and erase all your phone contacts. If you need help, IT can assist. In addition to valuing family, we also value security, which is why you probably noticed our series of deterrents on your way in — keypads, badge scanners, razor-sharp steel spikes, a moat filled with alligators and snakes, and a firewall, by which I mean a wall made of fire.

So as you can see, we here at Beel & Zebub LLP really are a tight-knit group. In fact, it’s safe to say we put the “cult” in “culture.” Speaking of which, I almost forgot to give you your new-hire swag. Here’s a robe. It has a hood to keep your head warm and conceal your face during our incantation rituals. Which reminds me — I hope you’ve retained some of that Latin you learned in law school. We use it a lot during our summonses. And, yes, we summon all kinds of things: zombies, vampires, demons. In fact, Martin over there just summoned an incubus last week. Way to go, Martin!

Now if you’ll turn that robe around, you’ll notice we’ve embroidered it with the firm logo. It’s a star because we believe every employee at Beel & Zebub LLP should have the opportunity to shine. It’s upside down because we think differently, turning ideas on their heads. And it has five points because, well, it’s a pentagram. Now, follow me down this shadowy hallway.

You might notice that all of our light sources are candles. That’s no coincidence. We’re a very environmentally conscious firm. Don’t want to leave a big carbon footprint. We also encourage our employees to use reusable containers for liquids. Sally uses that large black cauldron in the corner, while Mike over there drinks from the skull of a vanquished competing service provider. Oh, that reminds me: We have all-you-can-drink goat’s blood on Fridays. And once a month, we get entrails catered. It’s all topnotch. We don’t skimp like some of those other firms. Anyway, let’s open up this cellar door and crawl down to our support staff offices.

Don’t mind the screams and the smell of seared flesh. That’s just our branding department, hard at work. I recommend purchasing a little aloe vera. Helps reduce the swelling.

And over there are our Biz Dev personnel. For us, that stands for “business devils.” As you can see, the little guys are hard at work busting their horns to hex our competition. Let’s leave them be and continue our tour down this spiral staircase. It’s made of real bone!

And here we are! This is your office. Now, I know it might look like an endless black void from which no light or soul shall escape, but hey — at least you’re not stuck doing document review. But seriously, we’re going to need you to jump down there. Really appeases “The One” when we offer up fresh blood. Helps us reach our revenue goals.

While you’re there, swimming in a sea of fire and melting flesh, could you tell human resources to call me? We’ve got a really big matter that’ll require another hand. Tell ’em I don’t care what they do with the rest of the body.

Oh, and one more thing. We really value employee input, so if you have any feedback, let us know. It’s just another part of our “cult”ure.

Happy Halloween from your friends at Jaffe.